Study reveals Apple watches can be used for mind control


Stephen Abel, Ranger Review Staff

This past weekend a new study released by the US government announced that Apple watches will eventually control your mind. Scientists a part of the team now claim that our brain waves are altered when wearing an Apple watch and are warning all Americans. 

“I am warning you now. Apple is trying to take control of your minds,” former CIA director Gina Haspel said. “Everyone needs to take off their Apple watches”

Today the American people are on strike against Apple, disbanding the company and even throwing away other Apple products that were seen to do no harm. We got lucky enough to interview people as they were outside an Apple store rioting.

“I can’t believe apple would do this,” Steve Wozniak said. “I have been a customer of Apple’s since they started, and I feel betrayed.” 

Other Americans are honestly excited for this announcement.

“Well I see this as an opportunity of a lifetime,” customer Kyren Williams said. “Apple product prices will drop to an all time low, so I’ll buy as many products as possible and even buy stocks so when we find out the watch does not control us, I will become rich.”

Ironically former CIA director Gina Haspel was not only wearing just one Apple watch during the announcement, but three.